Despite the many different points of view about what is attractive or unattractive, most people agree that confidence, without arrogance, is an essential for attraction of both the mind and body. Though this idea is not a new one; that those with confidence seem to have an easier time in the world of dating, it is still a real problem for millions of people.
To understand why a person might lack the confidence needed to have a successful relationship, or even just pleasant dating experiences, we must look at how this attribute is undermined earlier in life through a range of possibilities:
- School Days: Those who were picked on or harassed in school tend to have more difficulty approaching people that they would like to date; or find that once in a relationship that they feel desperate to hold on to their partner and may act strangely as a result.
- Abuse or Neglect: Childhood traumas can cause a person to have serious difficulties with confidence as most of the acts of abuse or neglect create a feeling of worthlessness. Those children who are loved and well attended to feel confidant because they know that there are people who will always love them.
- Rejections in the Past: Much like the abuses of early childhood rejection, especially when issued from a person that once cared for the other, can have lasting effect on a person’s level of confidence, causing them to question their value when someone they cared for no longer wishes to include them in their life.
- Simply Awkward: For some people, it feels as though they have never excelled at anything in their entire life and for this reason they always feel as though they have less value than many others. This can cause a person to never even attempt asking another out on a date as they are convinced of being rejected before they ever speak.
There are many more reasons why a person might have difficulty with confidence, but more importantly, how do they get it?
If you, like so many others, find that something from your past led you to feeling inferior, or to have low self-esteem, it might be time to get it out in the open so that you can face it. However horrible your past situation, whatever trials you faced, you can overcome them in your present life. It may require confronting family members or opening old wounds that you have no wish to examine, but let’s face it, ignoring these problems hasn’t worked so what have you got to lose? Learn to focus on those parts of yourself which you should be proud of and strengthen those parts you find lacking. Building up your confidence can’t be fixed with a sports car, though that can be fun, it requires self examination and the courage to face your own demons. In some cases if the stress of these problems becomes too difficult to handle, or too confusing to know how to proceed, you may want to seek out the help of a professional psychiatrist so that you can have someone in your corner that has had experience in these kinds of situations.
If rejection is the cause of your low self-esteem, you may be facing an easier fix than you imagined. To begin with, you must understand why you were rejected; in many cases people understand what the complaint of their ex-partner was, even if they do not agree with it. Once you believe you know exactly how your partner felt by seeing the relationship and your actions within it, from their point of view, you may find that you either completely disagree with their complaints and therefore have no reason to feel insecure; or that you do agree and it might be time to work on yourself. In either case, there is usually a clear path to follow, if you feel stuck, try asking some of your trusted friends or family for their opinion and as always, seeking out the help of a professional psychiatrist may do you a world of good while you come to terms with your own feelings.
Now that we have taken a look at some of the causes of poor self-esteem and lack of confidence we can begin making the connections to how these states of mind affect relationships with others. When it comes to dating, making the first move can be a very difficult process. Asking a person out on a date or for their phone number can be very stressful and this stress is amplified greatly without the proper amount of confidence. We see therefore that before you can even begin a relationship or date that a lack of confidence can impair you.
Once past the initial move, you may find that on the date that your low self-esteem can cause problems:
- Unable to share your feelings because you assume your date will not be receptive to them.
- Sure that your choices in food; music; atmosphere and conversation are wrong.
- Stammering over words because your nervousness has been amplified.
- Sweating; reddening of the face and clumsy movements causing you to look awkward and uncomfortable.
- Poor eye contact, which may come across as disinterest.
- Nervous laughter; inappropriate jokes or statements that you know are offensive, yet you seem unable to control your words.
If these actions seem familiar to you at all, don’t despair, it’s simply a matter of confidence. There is a saying that you have probably heard many times before about not being able to love anyone until you love yourself; as silly as it may sound to some there is a great deal of truth to the saying. Unfortunately, when you are out on a date the person sitting across from you does not know that beneath all of this insecurity lies a great person who they might very much enjoy being with. It is your responsibility to show them who you really are by recognizing your most wonderful qualities. Without feeling good about yourself you have little hope of finding a person who wants to make it their mission in life to show you.
So, step by step what do you do to become a more confident person? Well, you have already taken step one, congratulations! By taking the time to explore this and perhaps other articles dealing with confidence issues it shows that you are trying to take back your self-esteem and become a stronger person. Because each person is unique the problems of individual to individual can vary greatly, but there some very basic steps to take that you can do on your own to continue your progress:
- First: take a moment to thank yourself for taking the time to explore how to become a more confident person; it’s nothing to scoff at, millions of people would rather complain than take action to better their lives. By taking this first step toward raising your self-esteem you have shown that you are ready to face whatever caused you to feel poorly in the first place.
- Second: Discovering the root of your problem, or problems, may help a great deal in resolving them. This may take more than just a few moments, it may even take months, but in doing so you may come to understand yourself a great deal more. Though certain actions; time periods or people may have helped to begin your current outlook, you are responsible for allowing those things to continue. Be sure when looking back at possible causes that you do not lay all of the blame on others, taking responsibility will allow you also to take back control of your life.
- Third: Once you feel that you understand when and why this lack of confidence came about you must decide how to correct the past problems if you can. In some cases, such as abuse or rejection, you will not be able to go back in time and fix those particular situation; however in many cases simply understanding the difference between what was your fault and what was another person’s problem that they took out on you, can be very helpful in building up your outlook. Knowing when to admit that you were not responsible for other’s behavior is just as important as taking it for your own. Learn to know the difference so that you do not allow other people’s problems to dictate the way you feel about yourself.
- Fourth: Once you have discovered the root of your problem and have decided upon a strategy in which you can comfortably resolve the problem(s) it is time to act. Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to change everything in a day, take it one step at a time and be prepared for setbacks by not feeling devastated if they should occur. Given enough time and ambition, you will triumph over those pesky hang-ups that held you back and before you know it, you will have confidence to be proud of whom you are.
Always remember that this problem is one that you share with millions of others, you are not alone. Our society unfortunately enables many people to feel like they are not meeting the set standards of those around them. The truth is, you cannot allow others opinions to dictate who you are; though you must work within the rules and dynamics of society, you can still be yourself and the only person who you truly need to meet the standards of is yourself. Once you understand these core ideas and feel comfortable again with whom you are soon you will see that others respond well to it. Before you know it, asking out that particularly nice looking person you’ve has your eye on won’t be so terrifying; you won’t try to slump into corners at social gatherings and you won’t be afraid to be noticed.
Learning and growing may be a part of life that never ends despite achievements and goals that are met; but you should be, for the most part enjoying the experience, gain the confidence to do just that. Good luck to you friend.
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