The Mental Games of Dating

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• Moving away from you, or avoiding touching you
  
  
• Become distracted during the conversation; lack of eye contact
  
  
• Talk about issues that may steer the conversation away from anything romantic
  
  
• Showing signs that they have no interest in being alone with you
  
  
• Not returning calls or text messages

  Though these kinds of signs may not be considered those used when playing games, they are essential to pay attention to in order to prevent any type of rejection; the refusal to take the first step, though it might be exactly what you want to do, is a part of the game. There are people who find it extremely attractive if a person shows a lack of interest and this too is an action that is used when playing games. Another aspect of making the first move is that it may indicate the aggressor in the relationship; which can be a turn-on, or turn-off depending upon the person’s feelings. When in the beginning stages of dating it can be difficult to know how a person feels about these kinds of issue simply because you do not know them well enough to make an accurate assumption.

  When it comes to making the first move what is often required is a steady balance between revealing enough to let the other person know that you are interested and not revealing enough of your feelings that you appear to be desperate. It is a tricky and narrow path to walk, which may explain why so many people fear the rejection that can so easily follow that first move.

  Beginning with the simple task of asking a person out on a date a great deal of how this is accomplished depends on the level of interaction. If this person is someone that you just met, you will have very little to go on as far as common interests are concerned. Because you and this person do not know much, if anything, about each other, you are basically forced to rely on attraction. This knowledge is a little unnerving for anyone who feels that they are not a very attractive person. One of the games often played during this time is an attempt to be attractive by engaging in actions that might catch the attention of the person you are interested in asking out. In bars or clubs this is often achieved by making use of dancing; playing games (pool, darts, etc.) and generally trying to let to other person know that you attractive in personality, without actually speaking to them. If this game is well played, you will find that the person is often looking in your direction, perhaps even smiling at you when your eyes meet. Just as telling, when a person immediately looks away when you look at them, this often means that they are interested, but not yet ready to admit it.

  When asking out a person who you know somewhat well; e.g. a friend of a friend; family member or co-worker there are more options available to you than a complete stranger. To begin with, you can usually obtain some basic knowledge about the person and by doing so have a few ideas of how to spark some good conversation. Another huge bonus of this kind of meeting is that if there are any major topics or habits to avoid you will probably receive a warning from the person who introduced you. Perhaps one of the best additions to this kind of interaction is that if the conversation becomes stale, you can always talk about the person you both know; this is something that you will have in common to fall back on. Under these circumstances the first move of asking a person out is usually implied by the person in common and would be thought of as a set up; however if the agenda of your first meeting is to decide whether or not you would like to go on a date with the person, you may feel many of the same pressures as you would with a complete stranger.

  Wrap-Up:

• Pay attention to signs that indicate that the person is not interested to avoid unnecessary rejection; body language can often tell you everything you need to know.
  
  
• If no clear sign is given that the person would like to be asked out, be patient and wait until you feel certain.
  
  
• Try to find out if you have any common interests which may help when asking the person out as you may be able to include these interests in the offer.
  
  
• If you and the person have a common friend, relative or co-worker make is of this common link by finding out about the person.
  
  
• Don’t assume that a nervous person isn’t interested; some people have difficulty getting their feelings across.

   Once you have achieved asking the person out on a date, or getting asked by them, you will probably feel a bit nervous about your first meeting. Something to keep in mind during this time period is that the person wants to go out with you; however it happened, whatever the reason you have a shot at winning them over. The time period between the asking out and the actual date can vary greatly from couple to couple, but however long this time period is it is essential that you make minimal contact with them. To call the person and tell them, for example, that you are excited about the date may seem sweet on the surface and actually is a nice thing to do, however the overall reaction may not be at all the message you want to send. Often if too much contact is made it sends a signal of premature infatuation: in short, you have no reason to like a person so much, so quickly.

   Now this may seem silly to you, perhaps you really hit it off and you both feel the same way, but more often this simply comes across as desperation. Because you have not had your first official date yet, anything that you do can be interpreted the wrong way. Your sense of humor could be taken the wrong way; your enthusiasm seen as desperation; even a polite phone call to check on the time or place can be an indication (however off base,) that you are not excited about the date and forgot the details as a result of your lack of interest. This result can be true of anything from a family set up to online dating as people often allow their insecurities to dictate their assumptions.

   Wrap-Up: Minimal contact between asking out and actual date decreases the chances that something will be misinterpreted; remember that once the person knows you better you will have plenty of chances to talk.
  If you have made it this far, it s probably time for the first date and you’ll most likely be experiencing a wide range of emotions as you prepare. While there are many beneficial tips for heading out on your first date we will simply focus on some of the game playing that is common during this time.

  One of the oldest games around is the waiting game; originally played by the female, but in no way is it exclusively feminine in this day and age. Though waiting in the home is more likely to take place on a traditional date,(picture the classic of the young buck waiting downstairs with the suspicious father while mom helps a blushing flower upstairs with her hair ribbons,) today it has evolved into simply being late. The game may have originally been played for a series of reasons: perhaps to strip a man of his confidence; by increasing the wait time and putting him in a slightly uncomfortable situation the girl may have had the advantage; by increasing the wait time perhaps women were making a stab at feminism by taking control right at the beginning; or maybe it was the fathers who originally wanted a few minutes to intimidate the boy/man who might not always have the purest thoughts on his mind.

  However it began the, waiting game seems to have evolved into a different, but no less intimidating one. Because many people now meet there dates at a specific location, using separate modes of transportation, anyone now has the opportunity to test their date’s patience by arriving late. The idea that the longer a date waits might signal how deep their feelings are for a person is still used today; more commonly the purpose seems now to be to indicate that the late arrival has important things to do and is not too invested in the other person, yet. One of the problems that can come up if trying to use the waiting game as a move is that the other person may become offended by your lateness and what it indicates to them, for this reason it is not often a good move to make. In many cases, the late arrival is in fact the person who is most insecure and must boost their own confidence by portraying themselves as less interested.

   The reaction to this move, if you should be on the receiving end, can be equally as important; to become too angry or upset may come across as desperate, but to make no mention of it can indicate that you do not respect yourself. The waiting game is a tricky move to enter into a relationship; there are those that play it just right and entice their date even further by stay aloof; however in many cases it backfires completely and results in bad beginning.

  Wrap-Up:

• Only play the waiting card if you are fairly certain that the appearance of being relaxed will work in your favor.
  
  
• Never play the waiting game with a person who is already insecure.
  
  
• If someone plays the waiting move on you do not become overly hostile or you may appear desperate.
  
  
• Again, if the waiting move is played on you, do make a small mention of it so that you show the person that you both noticed the person’s absence and that you have enough respect for yourself to say something.

  During the date many tiny movements and phrases will be used by both of you in an attempt to get to know each other. Some of these moves will be simple and open, others may be mini games that test the compatibly of each person. Many people enter into this stage without realizing how many games they play over the course of one date; everything from a subtle brush on the hand to laughing at a bad joke can be used to maneuver successfully through the date. One of the most important steps during this time is to pay attention to your date; how they react to what you say and what they choose to reveal about themselves may tell you right away whether or not you see a future, or even just a hot fling.

  While many small games will likely be played on the date, the largest one of all is that you are probably both putting your best features on the table while trying to hold back your less attractive ones. It has been argued again and again that this is one of the reasons that so many people break up, or get divorced; because only in time do they reveal their true natures and once this happens the other person is no longer interested. One could argue that in order to ensure long-term success you must avoid as many games and deceptions as possible; while this might be true, when most people are following the unspoken rules of the game, honesty can be easily misinterpreted.

  Wrap-Up:

• Most people try to show their best qualities on a date, you will be expected to do the same, just be careful not to lie.
  
  
• Don’t be alarmed by the small games played during the date, just try to pay attention to what your date is telling you by playing them. Underneath, most people just want to connect with someone.

  If the date ends well and you hope to see the person again a brand new problem arises: when to contact them; how to contact them and what to say? When a date goes very well, people often feel eager to see each other again, they may even want to speak later that day or the next; unfortunately according to the game rules, you can’t contact a person too quickly or they may assume that you are too eager. This can be very difficult for some people, not only are they eager to talk to the person that they hit it off with, but who makes the first move? In some ways it is very much like starting from the beginning again only now the stakes are higher as some real feelings have been invested.

  The first thing to decide upon is a time frame for making contact; you will not try to contact the person before said day and if by another said day they have not made the move, you will try to contact them. A comfortable time for many people is three days after the date has taken place, less if the date became incredibly physical. This time frame allows each person a chance to reflect over the time spent together while staying active enough in their regular life that they have new information to share on the next date.

  With the many forms of communication in our society it can even be difficult to decide how to contact the person you are interested in. Some people choose to drop in on the person they like, either at home or place of business; this is often a huge mistake. Even under circumstances where both people are eager to see each other again this usually takes the person being dropped in on completely off guard and that can be very uncomfortable. A phone call is less intrusive while still maintaining a nice sense of being connected because you can hear each other’s voices; phone calls also allow the other person a quick getaway if rejection is on the menu. Emailing a person is viewed by many as less personal than a phone call, but can also allow for many things to be expressed that might otherwise be too difficult over the phone or in person. Use extreme caution if email is your method of choice as the person may review what was said as many times as they like and the chances of misinterpretation run higher when using a text method.

  In some of the more extreme cases, especially if a date went exceptionally well, a gift is sent as the next form of contact. While this idea is very passionate and endearing for some, others may see it as a sign that things are moving too quickly. Be cautious when deciding to send a gift or flowers to a person as it makes a very loud statement and you don’t want it to be the wrong one.

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   Wrap-Up

• Don’t make contact too soon after the first date as you appear too desperate or eager.
  
  
• Don’t wait too long to make contact either as the other person may assume that you are not interested.
  
  
• If possible, bring up the topic of the a second date during the first, but only if it feels extremely comfortable to do so; by getting the other person’s input you may find out exactly how to proceed.
• Choose an appropriate method of contact when you do.
  
  
• Use extreme caution when thinking of dropping in or sending gifts to a person that you just met, it may send the wrong signal.
  
  
• Never send any written messages to a person at the beginning of a relationship that could be misinterpreted or that you may regret later.

  Hopefully, you have now set up your second date and all is still going well. Keep paying attention to the details and remember that while in life sometimes risks are required for success, at other times they are completely unnecessary; maintain the balance between the two and you should sail through the games of dating with little difficulty.

The Mental Games of Dating Volume II: Female Looks and Body Language >>>
The Mental Games of Dating Volume III: Men’s Communication >>>
The Mental Games of Dating Volume IV: Nonchalant >>>