Though there are certainly many cliché assumptions to be found about what men seek from romance, there are many desires that men posses that do not fit so easily into a stereotype. Many people believe that when it comes to romance most men seek only to use this tool as a way of getting to what they really want: sex. Certainly most men would agree that getting physical with an attractive person is on their list of wants, but to assume that men play no part in their need for warmth and tenderness is quite often inaccurate.
In many cultures men are forced to play roles that may prohibit them from exposing their softer sides and while this pattern may date back thousands of years, in today's society the roles of male and female are not so easily cut and dry.
For many men the battle of trying to pull off the ever popular image of a herculean standard, while still maintaining enough sensitivity as not to be seen as an oaf, can be incredibly difficult. Adding in any childhood issues, such as a lack of affection or unreasonable expectations set forth by overbearing parents and the balance becomes even more corrupted.
The typical view that most men are simply looking for fast dates that require minimal effort on their parts is not entirely false in that many men do seek the physical side of a relationship; however to assume that this is a rule, a constant, is often a foolish mistake.
Much like women, men experience an early period of emotional turmoil that can be confusing and terrifying. While many women are encouraged to share their feelings during this time, treated gently and excused for their sometimes erratic behavior, men are often forced to hide their emotions because of society's expectations.
Finding men dating, or beginning to meet people that interest them romantically, who have found their balance and overcome any issues or insecurities can be nearly impossible because of the pressure placed upon them. To ask any given man to define dating courtship rituals from their perspective might give some insight into the conflicting points of view in their own minds. One might find that all of the cliché standards are there, as well as more emotional and often well hidden desires. The constant battle between love and lust that so many men struggle with can also produce dating questions that seem too complex to solve.
When discussing the best dating tips for women this reach into the male mind is often left unattended. Most guides focus on the chemistry between the male and female or even how to combat some of the less appealing, common male traits. To understand that so many men struggle with these issues, perhaps even more so than most women, is to understand why they so often express frustration with romance.
Keeping these ideas in mind, it is important for adult singles to understand a very important key to finding the right person: you must first understand yourself. This advice is just as true for women as it is for men, however to keep the focus on the male side of the issue it is important to review the most common point of origin for these struggles:
The relationship between mother and son:
The first experience most men will have with other women is through their mothers. Whether it's the natural or the surrogate the first woman in a man's life can have a profound effect on his attitude towards other women in the many years ahead. If this experience was somehow severely damaged in some way it can cause problems later on.
The lack of physical comfort, for example can cause some men to shy away from physical contact (other than sex,) or cause them to be too clingy.
As boys begin to grow, the desire to show affection in the form of impressing the first female in their life will arise. If this is greeted without interest or praise this may cause a boy to feel awkward toward women in general. A constant stream of insecurity may result in great difficulty even approaching women, or a rather hostile attitude toward the female population in general, birthed from the resentment of so many failed attempts to please the original.
To combat these issues many men would do well to try and make peace with whatever childhood traumas that could be affecting their current situation. In many cases, it may be healthy to express these feelings to the mother and discuss how such problems arose in the first place. For others, simply letting go of the need to reconcile a relationship with their mother and force the realization that not all women will act in the same way is better approach.
Though these problems are certainly not exclusive to heterosexual couples, because the issue is so often brought about by female contact it is also very important that women have some understanding of how to deal with them as well. When faced with dating a man who is suffering from leftover boyhood struggles it is important to be patient and understanding so that together, you may work through them.
Supporting a man through his issues with women:
- Stand firm if he begins to categorize all women as the same and in negative ways, including you in that group.
- Avoid acting in overbearing way, or trying to control the relationship even if he seems to allow this.
- Discover the origin of his troubles by getting him discuss his childhood. This may be difficult and it may take time before he feels comfortable enough to share what might be painful memories.
- Set yourself apart from his mother by not mimicking any negative behaviors that may have forced his issues to arise.
- Be supportive of his expressing feeling while also reaffirming his masculinity. Tricky as it may sound, there are simply moments when he will need confirmation that he is a strong male and other moments when he will feel comfortable enough to act in tender ways.
- The damage that another woman, whether it's his mother or someone else, may have done can be repaired with your support. Try to combat that damage by showing him why your relationship is different.
Expectations of other men:
Society and the women in a man's life aren't the only culprits of conflicting behavior; many men become part of social groups that reinforce this as well. If a man feels as though he must hide any of his romantic feelings from his other male friends, this forces him to divide himself between two separate states of mind, which can be damaging.
Breaking this habit that so many groups of men have of forcing a conditioned behavior onto the other males of the group is in many cases the greatest cause of their divided reactions to relationships. The natural instinct to breed also lends a hand, but most men are well capable of controlling this instinct more than they let on.
Many studies have shown that a great many men see women more like prey; the ultimate goal being to become physical with them, with as little contact as possible otherwise. Unfortunately, this common practice is often more about impressing other males than need or desire for the physical act itself. The competition for male dominance has often acted upon men in a destructive way. Because the image that a man presents with his friends and the one he presents to a woman he is interested in are so often different the struggle continues on and resentment begin to build on both sides.
In truth it would be safe to assume that neither of these two representations is completely accurate of most men. Perhaps on one hand a man might not be as interested in the romantic notions so many women have, though he may play this up a bit to impress her; while at the same time he may not feel as much the hunter to the prey as he allows his male friends to believe.
How to solve this problem then? For most men the answer is simple, though the task of accomplishing it may be very difficult. You must stop kowtowing to what either friends or women expect you to be. Your feelings about everything from masculinity to romance are your own and should not be hidden or altered unless you feel that it is better suited for your life.
In short:
In the end the men who find the confidence within themselves to act in ways that they feel fit their lives best are more likely to succeed in their romantic encounters. Shrugging of the societal standards of what a man should be, or those imposed by overzealous friends; resolving any boyhood issues so that they do not weigh down your current view of relationships; and naturally choosing a partner that does not seek to control or use you in some way, but instead allows your life to feel richer for having them in it, might just provide you with the keys to enjoying successful romances.
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