Before you can allow yourself to enter into a serious romantic relationship you must feel comfortable with the idea of sharing your time and space with another person. Letting go of the freedom to choose how each of your days is spent is not easy for most people and can be felt in everyday life. It may be a decision as large as what car to purchase or a small as which welcome mat to buy for the back porch, in either case these decisions may no longer be yours alone to make.
What is so difficult about committing yourself to another person? In a word: control. You won't have this anymore in a variety of ways once you enter into a relationship. The daily tasks become about you and the person you love, not just yourself and this can be a very frightening idea.
One important aspect to cover when considering the idea of commitment is that you may not be ready for it, now, or ever. Not every person is destined to settle into a long-lasting romantic relationship.
A good place to begin may be to ask yourself some rather difficult, but telling questions:
- Can you think of any examples of commitments you have made in your life? How difficult were those to keep? How well did you fare?
- What are some of the ideas that pop into your head when you consider a long, committed relationship? Are they all negative, or exaggerated?
- Why are you considering making this commitment?
- How much control do you need in your daily life? How much could you give up?
- How does the idea of sharing your life make you feel? Are you concerned that your partner might ask too much of you and if so, have you discussed this with them?
A large portion of the fear people feel about making a romantic commitment can be eliminated simply by discussing any concerns that they may have with the person they care for. In many cases some of the most bothersome issues are quickly resolved when an understanding can be reached by both people.
One of the first concerns people who fear commitment often have is that they will no longer be able to continue doing the things that they love to do. Whether this applies to extreme activities that a partner may consider dangerous, or simply taste in music, it is a reasonable issue to consider. It is important, however to keep in mind that you would not be, (or probably should not be,) making a commitment to a person who would want you to stop enjoying your life. If this is the case, perhaps you have simply found the wrong person.
Many people believe that when you have found your soul mate, or the right person, making a commitment will come easily; while this may be true for some, it is often because to some degree they were already comfortable with the idea in the first place. Those who feel a little more lost in the world of romance often feel more inclined to take their cues from a dating guide or structure that will provide some kind of plan to follow. By following this plan, rather than the emotional impulses they may feel, it may seem as though some control is being maintained. It is because love so often creates a feeling of disarray that many people begin to panic. Not only do many feel as though they may lose control over the choices in their lives, but that they have already lost control of their own emotions.
When you consider your life, who do you believe has more control over the way you live? Your employer? Your family? Your doctor perhaps? In our everyday lives we are often forced to do things that we would never choose to do if it were not for the consequences and allowing yet another voice to join the chorus may seem like too much for a single person to take on. Once again, it is important to remember that unlike work, family or health the romantic partner you choose is entirely a choice left up to you.
If you can't trust the person you've fallen for enough to share your life with them, is it perhaps your own choices that you do not yet trust? In many cases a person who fears commitment feels as though they must first resolve other issues that are currently bothersome in their life. In order to feel comfortable with sharing their life, they must feel good about what they are bringing to the table to share. If you suspect that you would be ashamed of any aspect of your life you may need to work that problem out before committing yourself romantically.
One of the largest concerns of those looking at making a commitment of this nature is the restrictions it may include, especially those pertaining to the physical. Though many people do not feel a great urge to become physically intimate with a person outside of their relationship in the early stages, they worry that in time these urges will become too difficult to ignore. This sacrifice requires self control and accountability and may prove to be too much for many people to handle. Keep in mind that while it is important that you are able to handle your physical desires you should not live in a constant state of longing and misery and if a committed relationship would bring this about, perhaps it's simply not for you.
As simple as it may seem, sometimes getting an idea down on paper (or your pc,) can be useful. Try writing a list of pros and cons that you believe would apply to your relationship should you choose to make this commitment. If you are having difficulty thinking of any, try this general list to get you started:
Pros:
- A constant friend and person you can trust
- Always have a date for parties or holidays
- A person who can you be yourself without having to impress
- Someone who will take care of you
- Enjoying the company of a person you love
- Personal traits, such as your lover's laugh or smile
- How happy you feel simply thinking about that person
- Someone to share physical intimacy with, without the concerns of casual encounters
- A person who will be there for you when you need them
- Never, or seldom, having to feel lonely
- Your partner may bring new people into your life that are wonderful
Cons:
- Can't form any new romantic attachments
- Must consider the others person's feelings often
- Cannot make any important decisions without consulting your partner
- No new physical encounters even if you are very attracted to the person
- Less time to yourself
- You will not be able to hide bad habits for long, if at all
- In laws or friends maybe difficult to deal with
- The relationship often becomes more serious
- Your will in many ways be responsible for helping and taking care of your partner
- You cannot just call up and call it quits easily if it becomes too hard
Once you have taken the time to make up a list of your feelings about committing to a person you care for the answers may become very clear. Too many checkmarks on either side can quickly help you to make up your mind.
Should you still feel conflicted, confused or completely terrified of the idea, despite your love for the person, you're considering sharing your life with, you may want to consider taking the time to seek out the aid of a professional therapist. In some cases people y experience a fear of commitment that is rooted in a past trauma and must be resolved. Because these problems can be so buried and difficult to diagnose you may simply not be able to conquer them alone; remember that it takes strength to ask for help.
Whether or not you feel that committing to another person would be something that you feel would improve your life, or ruin it, remember that the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and happy with your decision, it is your life.
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