Many people, at one point or another experience a bad relationship during the course of their lives. In some cases a person may place all or most of the blame on their partner, or perhaps they believe the fault was entirely their own; in the end most people feel that they have learned something about themselves during these experiences and use that information to make progress in their future relationships.
While there may be no avoiding a few potholes along the road of dating most people hope that, at the very least they can trust themselves, even if others are a little suspicious. Those individuals who find that over the course of their dating lives they have repeatedly been involved with partners who brought little or nothing into the relationship may find that the largest problem they have in their dating lives has nothing to do with others.
Attributing a streak of poor dating choices to bad luck may not always be inaccurate, but certainly one must recognize certain patterns in their behavior which may lead them to such results. Taking a look at your past and what characteristics you often find attractive, especially when found in multiple relationships, may help you to understand where you went wrong.
With so many unique individuals in the world it can be difficult to generalize the precise actions that lead singles into terrible relationships, however in some cases there exist common missteps that can at least be good to watch for:
- Revolving Around the All-Solving: Despite the breaks from old traditions and social expectations in recent years, many people still define their worth through the opinions of others. This kind of thinking can often be seen in the romantic world where many singles expect dating to solve completely unrelated problems. Falling in love can have a powerful effect on a person's entire life, but it does not often solve every existing problem, even if it manages to hide them for a time.
- The Excitement of Danger: The attraction many people experience to others who seem to be leading lives that are far more exciting than their own is certainly nothing new. For hundreds of years stories have been written about such romantic attractions and often that is precisely where they belong: on paper. In many cases when getting involved in another person's life style is the most attractive aspect of the relationship the answer isn't necessarily to date that person, but to change your own life so that it suits you better. It is also important to not allow the glitz and glamour of such a life to hide the consequences; make sure that you are keeping both sides in mind before mimicking this behavior, or beginning a relationship with a person who lives it.
- You're Bad, but I'm Worse: Choosing to date a person who you are fairly certain will not sweep you off of your feet simply because your own self esteem is poor is often a lousy path to misery. Obviously the best solution in such cases is to try improving your life so that when you find the right person you can be both proud of your choice and proud of yourself.
- From Nest to Bassinette: One particularly troublesome routine in dating are those singles who are more seeking a parent than a partner. Individuals who experienced traumatic childhoods, or simply were not ready to grow up may find themselves seeking out others who will take care of them and in doing so be placed in a very precarious position in the relationship. If you find that you are on other side of this combination it may be best to take a good long look at why you seek this out and what problems may be solved so that you can enjoy an adult relationship. While nearly every relationship involves caring for one another, turning the relationship from a romantic one into a parent-child dynamic often leads to trouble.
The ability to diagnose the mistakes you have been responsible for in past relationships may prove to be no easy chore and it may require some changes in your current life if you hope to avoid these mistakes in the future.
Amongst the wide variety of characteristic which those with poor self esteem, self-destructive tendencies or other psychological problems seek out, there exist some that are extremely common because of their relationships to problems that many people share. These traits rather than repel instead seem to draw those who have unresolved problems, though they may not even be aware that it was these traits which attracted them to the person:
- Dangerous
- Aloof
- Controlling
- Incommunicative
- Unattractive
- Desperate
- Depressed
- Shallow
- Cowardly
- Irrational
- Naive
- Insecure
Why, you may ask would anyone seek out these characteristics in another person? Because often they are disguised behind a mask of a different portrayal by the person them self, or what the other person is choosing to see. While this may not always be the case, here are some common dressed up versions of the characteristics above:
- Exciting
- Mysterious
- In Charge
- Refined
- Appreciative
- Giving
- Sympathetic
- Confident
- Cautious
- Passionate
- Unspoiled
- Accepting
Though certainly not all people possessing such characteristics, perhaps not even most, are hiding underneath certain truths about them which would not be quite so appealing; however to watch for any signs of insincerity coupled with these traits may help to asses a future partner's potential.
Understanding how to watch for traits in others which may prove to be destructive in your relationship is an important aspect of finding the right person, however it possibly more important that you weed out any destructive tendencies of your own.
A good formula for solving these complicated questions which have led you to a series of unfortunate endings can be found by looking at the problems objectively. By doing to you may find the dating guide you have been seeking was well within you all along.
- Begin by writing down two lists: In both lists you will be writing down reasons that led to the failure of your relationship and if you happen to still be on good terms with your ex, you may even seek their aid with this small project. Be sure that you leave plenty of space on either side.
- In one column describe the actions performed by you that you believe led to the failure of the relationship and in the other column your partner's.
- Directly across from each statement write down the characteristics that you believe contributed to these actions in both you and your partner.
- If your ex, or a person you believe might be able to objective represent your ex's point of view is present, instruct them to create a similar list. If not, try to create a list that you believe would best represent your partner's conclusions, though this may prove too difficult in certain situations.
- Combine the two lists and examine the characteristics that are included. You should now have two columns of instruction: one will allow you to see which characteristics proved to clash with your personality and are to be watched for in the future and in the other perhaps some of your own flaws which may require some attention.
- Taking into account that when emotional many people tend to exaggerate, make sure to take the time to reflect upon your guide and make sure that you feel it's as accurate as possible.
- Once you feel confident that your guide is accurate, show it to the person in your life whom you trust most and ask that person to share their opinion about its' accuracy. In some cases you may find that you have judged yourself too harshly, or that the opinions of your ex were too extreme.
Now that you have a guide you may begin making those changes which will improve your life and allow for greater happiness, as well as arming yourself against those individuals who may inevitably only detract from it. Though sifting through the past may prove to be a painful and stressful struggle you may find that it brightens your future once you are able to claim victory over those problems which held you back.
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