A:
Hello Syan and thank you for sharing your problems with us.
We have a few issues that should be addressed here, but first take a deep breath and calm down, sometimes people just need a break from each other to put things into perspective.
If I have read your email correctly, I believe that the basic problem here is that you sent a text message, meant for your cousin, that mistakenly went to your boyfriend; the message somehow lead your boyfriend to believe that you were being unfaithful and therefore he ended the relationship under this assumption. To understand why your boyfriend took this step a great deal more information is needed, however, we can cover a few basic which might help you to move forward and bring about a successful resolution to your problem.
Without knowing some of most basic fundamentals of your relationship; how long the two of you have been together; whether or not either of you has been unfaithful in the past; or what the current state of your relationship was like before this incident; it can be very difficult to determine how such a misunderstanding escalated into this horrible outcome.
A few possibilities as to why:
Insecurity: Some people are always looking for a reason to suspect their lover’s of being unfaithful; this is often caused because they suffer from insecurity; believing on a daily basis that their lover is not satisfied with the relationship in some way and that whatever is lacking is their fault. People who experience this kind of constant mistrust can create the most horrible, imaginary scenarios in their minds from the simplest of events; even when presented with a reasonable explanation these people refuse to let go of their paranoid fantasy. Learning how to trust your partner is a difficult task for most people, but it is an essential for can happy relationship.
Prior Indiscretions: Once a person has experienced the feelings of pain and humiliation that accompany having an unfaithful partner it can be very difficult for that person to trust again, even if their current partner was not the cause of these feelings.
Turning the Tables: Those who have cheated or are currently cheating on their partner are often very suspicious of the person they are in a relationship with. This is assumption is derived from the idea that if they feel capable of being unfaithful, they assume that their partner is also capable of doing the same. In some cases, it is this paranoia that gives away the infidelity, even if it is completely unfounded.
Perhaps one or more of these reasons has lead your boyfriend to his assumptions about what your text message meant, or perhaps you know about others that may explain his behavior. After taking the time to understand how your boyfriend might be feeling you most likely feel ready to act.
Communication: The first thing you must do is discuss the problem with your boyfriend; if he needs time to cool down or think, allow him that as you will both want to be calm and rational when you speak. Getting together face to face is best; allowing your body language reinforce your words can help a great deal with trust issues. Choose a place where you both feel comfortable and won’t be interrupted and be sure that you are both able to leave this place at any time so that neither of you feel trapped; this can cause unnecessary feelings of anxiety.
When speaking with your boyfriend, try to remember a few helpful hints when explaining that this problem was in fact a perfectly harmless misunderstanding:
- Stay calm, even if you know how misguided his accusations are, try to remember this behavior isn’t your fault but requires patience from you.
- Don’t accuse him; insult him or otherwise put him in a position where he feels he must defend himself even if he realizes that he is wrong.
- Explain your side simply and remember that we often forget that what we experience is from our own point of view and can feel very differently from others.
- Stand your ground with out being too defensive; you have not done anything of which you should be ashamed and for this reason you have no reason to become defensive or hostile when explaining your point of view.
Though difficult to accept, it is possible that your boyfriend was unhappy in the relationship and was simply waiting for an excuse to end it. Before you sit down with your boyfriend take a few minutes to size up how you feel about the relationship in general. Even when a person feels that they love their partner this doesn’t always mean that their relationship is healthy one. Be sure that saving your relationship hasn’t become important simply because you feel surprised and desperate because of your boyfriends behavior. Before this incident did you feel good about your relationship? Often just being dumped can cause people to feel that they must convince their partner to come back; this often has more to do with pride and fear than true love. Be sure that you know what you want and why before you act.
Hopefully by now you feel a little calmer and perhaps a bit better prepared to solve the problem in front of you. Just remember how special a person you are and that even the worst pain in relationships does pass in time, you will smile again and sooner than you think!
Be well Syan and be happy, thanks again for sharing your feelings and please feel free to write again for help or if you would like to share your progress with us.
-Katt
|
